My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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