Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
