Whod you bang
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
