New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
