Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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