hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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