My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
