Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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