dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
