Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
