Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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