um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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