Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
