I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
