There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
