Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
