i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
