Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
