i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
