I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
