he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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