Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
