Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
