she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
