I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
