you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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