I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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