piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
