Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
