Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
