How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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