The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
