I just pynch a tree in the face
zippers are such a cool invention
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
