I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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