Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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