I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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