I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I AM VODKA MAN
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
