My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
