Barsexuality is the new black.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
