How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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