I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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