I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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