I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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