You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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