i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
