you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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