i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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