Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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