if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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