i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i love accidental penises.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
