the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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