According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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