i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
