1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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