It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
