The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
