I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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