ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
